2001 - December : Government announces that ID cards will be introduced. Widespread national outcry, dismissed by government as "unrepresentative minority views".
Leaders of organized crime, who have been reporting reduced commercial visibility due to fears about liberalization of drugs, heave a sigh of relief and put together an international project team under the codename of "Project Goody-Goody".
2002 - February : Six hitherto unknown members of the great and the good appointed to a commission to discuss the scope of the ID card legislation at a salary of £50,000 a year on a part-time basis. Only one of them knows Tony Blair on more than a casual basis.
- September : Rumours from the ID card commission suggest that using pink as a background colour may make the cards more acceptable to the public.
The Project Goody Goody team report back with a view favourable to the project and a detailed implementation plan.
- December : several dozen well-known hackers have disappeared from their usual haunts and are even rumoured to be going legitimate. The database division of Megacorp Database Services Inc (MDS) has suddenly and unexpectedly acquired the services of a number of people they never dreamed of being able to attract.
2003 - February The Financial Times speculates as to who will get the National ID system contract.
August : Results of the ID card commission released. Commission proposes that each card should not include photograph, for fear of introducing "elements of discrimination". New system to be "state of the art", linked to massive central database allowing police to recall holder's criminal record, income tax details and GCSE results. Commission members marked down for next honours list and paid discretionary bonus out of Treasury "black" cash fund.
2004 - May : Contract for new computer system awarded to Megacorp Database Services Inc. who have "long record of success on projects of this scale". Private Eye lists largest ten recent failures of MDS projects. Their combined cost overrun amounts to 1.5% of current GDP.
August : Leaked report in newspapers announces that income tax computerised record system is too primitive to be included in the National Identity database and a new "state of the art" computer system may be necessary. A confidential approach is made to MDS.
November : leaked report to the press announces that in order to check on the new ID cards, police officers will carry a WAP-phone-based card reader which will weigh 5 kilograms. Police Federation expresses concern over the health implications for its members. Private Eye reveals that 55% of serving police officers are seeking early retirement on the basis of back problems caused by the weight of equipment.
2005 - February : Leaked report reveals that ID card readers will actually be installed in police cars. The equipment will weigh 25 kilograms. Police will be able to check on individual's dental and credit card records.
December - MDS holds secret talks with Home Office to discuss 137% cost overrun on ID card project.
2006 - January : Lord Rogers' traditional design for new ID card abandoned in favour of Stella McCartney's more modern design. The Prime Minister is rumoured to have intervened.
July : MDS admit that ID card project is slightly over budget and past delivery date and accept £5 million reduction in their fee. MDS send Home Office invoice for extra work on the contract for £4.9 million.
October - New ID cards are released, heralded by a long and tedious series of television adverts. They include a semi-legible, postage stamp sized photograph and the individual's forty seven digit National ID number. 10% of holders' names are mis-spelt. 12% were sent to wrong address. 2% have someone else's photograph. 28% of ID numbers are incorrect, but this is not realized until 2008. 98% of population finds the designs trite or sad. Cards turn out not to fit into any currently available size of holder. WAP card readers used by police turn out to be more than 75% reliable if used within 1,000 metres of a base station on a rainy day. A parliamentary question reveals that cards have so far cost the government £125 each. This is not reported in the national press after heavy hints from the Cabinet Office to editors of all the national press. Senior police officers tell the Home Office that it is hoped that when the national database of criminal records is finally working, ID card data may be linked to it.
November - first counterfeit cards hit the streets.
December - people are starting to complain that printing on National ID cards rubs off.
2007 - March : ID card counterfeiters embarrassed to find that the printing does not rub off their cards since they have chosen a different and more reliable method of production. Their increased spending on R&D to reduce the quality of their counterfeit cards boosts the economy by 0.5%. Editor of Private Eye receives leaked memo to say that actual cost of ID cards was at least twice what the government admitted but decides not to publish as nobody will be particularly surprised.
2008 - April : Survey in Sun reveals that 75% of adult males between the ages of 15 and 30 hold a counterfeit ID card and use it in preference to the "real" one.
- June : Sunday Sport reveals rumours that a group of senior police officers have been running a competing business producing counterfeit ID cards since December 2006. They have been able to tap into the main computer system to ensure that their cards appear valid on the computer system and in fact their cards cannot be detected as counterfeit under the most careful scrutiny. The government ignores the story, but there is momentary concern in the Home Office as a junior official notices that there appear to be 250 million ID cards in current issue.
- July : MDS quietly admits to the British government that there is a minor problem in the software, and it will only cost £10 million to fix.
- September : MDS completes update of ID card system and reports that the problem is now solved. There are now 350 million cards in the system, but the software will only admit the existence of around 57 million based on a cross link to the census database. 53 programmers from MDS acquire large country houses and round the clock protection from Special Branch.
2009 - May : A lorry intercepted at the EU border with Russia turns out to contain a shipment of 150,000 British National ID cards destined for China. The cards are initially all thought to be counterfeit, but a sample check against the database shows that they are all genuine and the shipment is waved through. Within the officially criminal community, the following day, the Director of Recreational Substances receives a memo from the Director of Replica Documents deploring the lack of communication within the organization.
2010 - March : 1st Viscount Brightside, Legion d'Honneur and Honorary Son of the American Revolution (David Blunkett, promoted to hereditary peerage and international honours for lifetime achievements in the war against terrorism) appointed non-executive director of MDS at salary of 500,000 euros per annum on his retirement from active government.
2011 - August : Ex-president Bin Laden of Afghanistan, now in exile, seeks asylum in the UK after the USA withdraws financial support for his secular regime. He is issued with British national ID card. It is confirmed by government sources that donations of around five million euros to the Labour and Democratic Party have nothing whatsoever to do with this. The editor of Private Eye, who holds proof that the cards cost approximately 500 euros (£1,250) for each man, woman and child in the country, quietly reckons Bin Laden got off cheaply but dare not say so for fear of the Department of Internal Security, which was set up by David Blunkett in 2005 and is dreaded across the world for its ruthlessness and inaccuracy, especially by people who live in the same street as known criminals. The street price of a British National ID card in Hong Kong falls to $5.